Back in the Saddle

Well, it looks like the last time I wrote anything in this blog was... 2 years, 2 months, and 9 days ago.

I wrote on gratitude. While I have become a bit rusty in the writing department, I am grateful that I still have more left to write, if I can only find the way to articulate the thoughts floating around in this mind of mine.

Maybe I'll start off small...

The past several months has been a whirlwind of random activities for me. Between moving out of my pastor's house in August, moving into an apartment with a friend, joining a Christian motorcycle club, attempting to fix my Harley-Davidson, working alongside aforementioned pastor on an apartment renovation on the South Side, a somewhat failed relationship attempt, and re-booting my involvement at the Prayer Furnace as a part-time (full-time, if I can gather financial support) missionary, I'm surprised I've had time to really think about anything except the present.

It's become clear to me that over the past three years, God has had His mighty hand over me and guiding me, despite my shortcomings, despite my negative thoughts, despite everything I could do to get in the way, and He has been faithful to provide for me, in everything I needed: financially, relationally, and physically.

Even through a humbling process of stepping back from the stage as a worship musician/singer, I'm re-learning what it means to truly worship the Lord in spirit and in truth, and to regain my composure while running, constantly running, to Jesus as my shield and defender and my refuge, my tower of strength.

The last few months especially, I've been receiving so much encouragement from different people in the Church, my community and others, about the way I play the guitar and sing, and while a part of me certainly wants to take the praise and think highly of myself, it's impossible for me to do so.... because I really don't think very much of my singing or my guitar playing. And I think that was exactly the place that God needed me to come to. I hope He will heal my voice, and heal my arms and fingers so that I can play and sing the way that I feel I used to be able to... but until then, it is humbling and extremely exciting to know that His Spirit is flowing through whatever I am doing, just by continuing to stand.

And I. Am. Still. Standing.

That seems to be the theme of my life so far... that I continue to stand, despite whatever has come against me. Sometimes I have tried by my own strength. I have fought, tooth and nail, at times, and have taken pride in my fighting. I have taken the meaning of my name, Dustin, to heart: "A valiant warrior."
But I realized that even though I fought constantly, I never really won any rounds... It's not been until I've really started to let the Lord take control, to experience my utter dependence on Him, that I've started to feel that I've truly fought and won some of the battles.

I am so grateful that the Lord is teaching me these lessons on humility, and has been rewarding my patience, because now, finally, I am starting to get the opportunities I have waited for in the house of prayer, to be acknowledged as a singer and musician, being asked to be part of regular live sets, as we rebuild a ministry from the ground up, with the Lord's help. We have begun to unite as a community, each person attempting to do their part, with the gifts that God has given them, to arise and work, and rebuild the wall that once served as foundation for the prayer and worship movement in Chicago.

The Prayer Furnace will burn on in Chicago, with the light of God's righteousness, goodness, and love. And the fire on the altar will never go out, until Jesus Christ returns, riding on the clouds.

I know that God will continue to be faithful. Many have said I need to find a "real" job, and I am looking. Many have said I need to find a wife. And I am looking. :)
Many have said I need to encounter Jesus. And I am searching for Him.
I am not listening so much to what people are saying anymore. I am trying to be responsible for my own life, and not the desires that others carry for me, no matter the good intentions they may have.

I would very much like to be able to raise the finances to serve in the Prayer Furnace in an official capacity, to be able to bless others who come and serve, to be able to bless my brothers and sisters, to be able to help fund the ministry, to be able to pay off my debts, my school loans, etc. I know that some of this is my responsibility, to go and seek work, to take opportunities as they come, and I do. I also have work to do in helping rebuild and guard the wall as it's being built. So I will have to choose. And I will need to commit to whatever it is that comes my way, whether that is ministry in the place of prayer, or full-time work to support myself and a future family. Maybe both?

I know this: I have seen enough to know that I can't turn back, and I won't let go of Jesus. I want to know who He is, and I want to know how to love Him.

And I'm grateful that He still loves me, unworthy as I am, and that His love never fails.